Mad mood

Ok, I’m a little bit pissed or should I stay more friendly and say: I’m mad??? Anyway, today I was supposed to see my buddy Travis. Even after we already fixed the appointment he canceled it about 10 minutes before I wanted to drive up to his place. And now his stupid excuse: He didn’t know that his “so-called” girl finished her school thingy earlier than 5pm and he has to go pick her up because she’s taking the damn train.

Seriously, I was looking forward in seeing him today, because last time was in October 2006. 15 months ago, because he was deployed to Iraq. Now, I’m sitting here and I’m really disappointed. I thought we are friends, like brother & sister and all of a sudden “his so-called/almost girl” is more important? And if I get it right he saw her during the last couple days since he’s back from his deployment. I also asked him if she cannot just wait a day and see him tomorrow? I guess he realized that I’m mad.

How else should I feel? The next time I’ll be able to make time for him will be in 8 days and than he’ll be on his freaking Block Leave (in the States). I mean, hey I can’t change my schedule just for him. That’s not possible. And since last week Thursday we both knew we will meet today, my only day off this week. But no, he doesn’t care about me and just makes plans with his girl. F*** it!!!

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He is back from mission

My baby, is back from his mission and I’m so glad. He returned on the 27th and as soon as I saw he left me an email my heart started to be like crazy. This guy is making me soooooo HAPPY! Like no other man could do before in my life.

 I wanted to share some of his words with all of you.

[…]Well besides all that drama, I was also thinking of you the rest of the time.  While on guard, there’s not a whole lot to do except stare at the mountains, pray that we don’t get attacked, and think of our loved ones.  Of course I thought of my family but amongst my loved ones is you.  I thought a lot about us, our future, and of course all the things I wanted to do to you when I was horny as hell.  Which by the way was quite often.  There’s so much that comes to my mind when I start thinking of you.  Now, I’ve never been all that good at relationships but I think I know the problem.  Have you ever seen the movie The Break-Up?  If you haven’t you definitely should.  If you have then just know that I don’t think I’m nearly as bad as he was but I’ve usually been kind of like that.  So after finally figuring that out, I know exactly how I want to be with you.  I can’t wait to make you the happiest woman ever.  I will appreciate everything you do and show you love like no other man can show you.  I want to give you the world in my hands and myself with it.  It was making me smile just thinking about it.  You deserve a real man, a strong man, and a soft hearted man.  Not too soft hearted though or else that would take away from the strong man.  I want to be all of those for you and so much more.  I am so excited to finally be with you and it is going by pretty fast. […]

Words like these and many more make me so happy and make me keep my head up. Even if it is still a damn long time until September, I know he and me will make it through this deployment. It’s hard of course, but with the power of our love we will succeed.

What a day!?!

This day was kinda rough. First of all I could not find sleep at all, because my thoughts were with my Eric bear all the time and my yearning for him turned out so big last night. And there will so many more restless nights following. But my love for my bear is still growing and growing.

At 3.30am I finally could find some rest, but I had to get up again at 6.30am. But planned was 5.30am so I can get some breakfast at the DFAC. But yeah, I had some coffee at my house before I left for class and another one on my way from Darmstadt to Mannheim. But like always, the Autobahn was so damn packed, that I got stuck in it and been late for class.

The first 4 hours seemed to be long because of all the theory stuff about law, but all of a sudden it was 12pm and lunch time. So some coworkers and me went to the DFAC and enjoyed the “nice” brunch. And damn, I definitely ate way too much that it was kinda hard to move and be ready for the physical training class of self-defense. I think we should improve our skills more often how to put down an attack (attacker without a weapon) just with arms, hands and legs. And later one how to put down an attack (attacker with weapon like knife/baseball bat etc.) with our PR24.

PR24

I was supposed to meet up with my girl Sarah after our different classes/trainings, because she had to qualify at the range for her quarterly shooting on the CZ 75 BD POLICE cal.9 Luger. The weapon her and me and our coworkers carry on our daily duty.

CZ 75 BD POLICE

But somehow we missed each other and therefore I decided to drive home instead of going to the gym on my own. I was just too tired. As soon as I got home Sarah called and now we’ll go tomorrow. Which sounds good for me too.

Anyway, because of the class & training and the lack of sleep from last night, I will go and lay down. Because tomorrow will be another day of class & training and afterwards a nice work out at the gym.

Hello world!

Here I am! A 25 year old woman from Germany. Somehow I hate those things to try to write about my life. But I recently came across some blogs and thought I could try this too. And who knows who’s going to read my words. From time to time I already posted a couple of blogs on my profile on MySpace. So I guess it’s kinda the same here. Just that the blog quality is way higher and there are more features. Also it’s a new year and I thought I give it a try.

I am a 25 year old woman. I live on my own in Darmstadt/Germany. I have a job and try to pay all my bills as soon as they come in. Which of course is hard sometimes. I grew up in a country which does not exist anymore. Not in the way it did when I was born back in the year of 1982. I belong to the generations which call theirself “Cold War Kids” and I have seen the times of “imprisonment in a country” because two big world nations could not decide to shake hands with each other until ’89/’90. Even that I was a kid and pretty young I still remember the life in the former GDR. And not everything was so bad like so many people say. Sometimes I sit back and imagine how my life would be now 18 years after Germany’s reunion. How it would be if the “Iron Curtain” would still be in my way to feel freedom. I am glad that the two leading countries of the 80’s made it to shake their hands and therefore bring a nation back together. And if I sit back and imagine about how it would be if all that would never had happened I come to the fact that I probably would still live in Jena. My hometown where I grew up, went to kindergarten and school, did a vocational training as a paralegal/articled clerk/legal secretary (the LEO dictionary was not sure about the right translation).

After my vocational training I could not find a job in a lawyer’s office. So I decided or was forced by unemployment to take a break for a year. Finally in 2004 I signed a work contract which first was a temporally contract for the first 2 years. And from this moment on my new job title was “USAREUR Installation Security Officer”. After one year I switched from one “site” to another one and hence I could sign a permanent work contract. Now I can say proudly that I’m holding the gates down for the US Army in Germany for more than 3 years. And I do love my job. Sure it has its ups and downs.

During the last 5 years I fell in and out of love. And the last 2 really serious relationships ended because of the unfaithfulness of the men. I know that I was blinded by love and could not or did not want to see the truth. But in the ends of both relationships I had to be consequent and save my heart. Even it was already broken by the betrayals. When the first serious relationship ended – after 2 years – it took me about 2 years to recover and stick all the little pieces of my heart back together, to be able to trust a man again. In March 2006 I met the man I felt ready to marry him in the end of the year. But because of his unfaithfulness, which he could not even admit for months, I had to end this relationship. It was hard, but I had to do it. And I did this thousands of miles away from home. It was planned that I go to him to the States to get married to him. But as soon as I arrived I felt … nothing anymore. I tried to work it out inside me. But I could not. His unfaithfulness hurt me too much. And I went back home after 5 days of planned 30 days to stay there. And I came home happy, sure sadness was hidden deep inside me. But in the long run it was the best I could do for myself. Yes, it took me awhile to get over him. But somehow this time was easier. I think it was because I already had my doubts while we were separated from June to December in 2006. Doubts about him and his love for me and my love for him. Why I had doubts? That does not matter anymore and in the end it turned out, that my doubts were right. So I’m not crying after him. Even more I have to thank him, the one before him who broke my heart. And they all lead me to that ONE MAN IN MY LIFE!!!!

Rascal Flatts – Bless The Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years agoHoping I would find true love along the broken roadBut I got lost a time or twoWiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You’ve been there you understand

It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rolling home

Into my lover’s arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you.

And this “YOU” is my lovely bear, Eric. He makes me happy, even he is so many miles away from me. In a country where he risks his life for my, your – our freedom. And to make it a little bit weird for you to read this, Eric and me never met in real life. We met and fell in love online. And this blog will contain a catagory “Missing my Soldier” filled with my love, longing, passion and lust for this amazing man. The man who conquered my heart in a heart beat and I’m proud to quote him: ‘You are holding my heart in your hands.” And I will never ever drop his heart. It’s my – call it – mission, task, assignment to make him the most happiest man in this world and to motivate him for every single day we are not together and so far away from each other. But even there are still so many days, weeks and months between our reunion, our hearts, minds and souls are connected to each other. Eric once wrote in a poem:

Sleepless nights go without end
So I look to you once again
We conversed just the other day
Soul softly spoken,
What did you say?
I know you heard me
Without sound,
I know your soul speaks
So good to feel your presence
My soul being my only sense
My sight of you unseen
My dreams of you so far between
Knowing a reunion one day to come
For now soul speaking as we are one
But I don’t want this to end
Let’s just talk forever
I have so many questions
And I know you have the answers
My concentrations broken
My soul is slipping away
I so sorry this has to end like this
Another time another day
My thoughts of you never end
We will converse soon again
Knowing we’ll meet one day to come
For now soul speaking as we are one

And all I can add to this for now and to describe our love via internet, letters and phone is:

The purity and trueness of our love through our internet relationship far away passes that of one based on physical contact.

So far Eric and me still have 221 days to go until we will be able to start or better continue our love in real life and turn it into physical contact. May you or may you not understand this. But even it’s a internet and distance relationship my feelings for Eric are already so strong, deep and real. That just a single thought of him let my heart beat faster and brings a smile to my face.

My love, my hero, my soldier

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