Hello world!

Here I am! A 25 year old woman from Germany. Somehow I hate those things to try to write about my life. But I recently came across some blogs and thought I could try this too. And who knows who’s going to read my words. From time to time I already posted a couple of blogs on my profile on MySpace. So I guess it’s kinda the same here. Just that the blog quality is way higher and there are more features. Also it’s a new year and I thought I give it a try.

I am a 25 year old woman. I live on my own in Darmstadt/Germany. I have a job and try to pay all my bills as soon as they come in. Which of course is hard sometimes. I grew up in a country which does not exist anymore. Not in the way it did when I was born back in the year of 1982. I belong to the generations which call theirself “Cold War Kids” and I have seen the times of “imprisonment in a country” because two big world nations could not decide to shake hands with each other until ’89/’90. Even that I was a kid and pretty young I still remember the life in the former GDR. And not everything was so bad like so many people say. Sometimes I sit back and imagine how my life would be now 18 years after Germany’s reunion. How it would be if the “Iron Curtain” would still be in my way to feel freedom. I am glad that the two leading countries of the 80’s made it to shake their hands and therefore bring a nation back together. And if I sit back and imagine about how it would be if all that would never had happened I come to the fact that I probably would still live in Jena. My hometown where I grew up, went to kindergarten and school, did a vocational training as a paralegal/articled clerk/legal secretary (the LEO dictionary was not sure about the right translation).

After my vocational training I could not find a job in a lawyer’s office. So I decided or was forced by unemployment to take a break for a year. Finally in 2004 I signed a work contract which first was a temporally contract for the first 2 years. And from this moment on my new job title was “USAREUR Installation Security Officer”. After one year I switched from one “site” to another one and hence I could sign a permanent work contract. Now I can say proudly that I’m holding the gates down for the US Army in Germany for more than 3 years. And I do love my job. Sure it has its ups and downs.

During the last 5 years I fell in and out of love. And the last 2 really serious relationships ended because of the unfaithfulness of the men. I know that I was blinded by love and could not or did not want to see the truth. But in the ends of both relationships I had to be consequent and save my heart. Even it was already broken by the betrayals. When the first serious relationship ended – after 2 years – it took me about 2 years to recover and stick all the little pieces of my heart back together, to be able to trust a man again. In March 2006 I met the man I felt ready to marry him in the end of the year. But because of his unfaithfulness, which he could not even admit for months, I had to end this relationship. It was hard, but I had to do it. And I did this thousands of miles away from home. It was planned that I go to him to the States to get married to him. But as soon as I arrived I felt … nothing anymore. I tried to work it out inside me. But I could not. His unfaithfulness hurt me too much. And I went back home after 5 days of planned 30 days to stay there. And I came home happy, sure sadness was hidden deep inside me. But in the long run it was the best I could do for myself. Yes, it took me awhile to get over him. But somehow this time was easier. I think it was because I already had my doubts while we were separated from June to December in 2006. Doubts about him and his love for me and my love for him. Why I had doubts? That does not matter anymore and in the end it turned out, that my doubts were right. So I’m not crying after him. Even more I have to thank him, the one before him who broke my heart. And they all lead me to that ONE MAN IN MY LIFE!!!!

Rascal Flatts – Bless The Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years agoHoping I would find true love along the broken roadBut I got lost a time or twoWiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You’ve been there you understand

It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rolling home

Into my lover’s arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you.

And this “YOU” is my lovely bear, Eric. He makes me happy, even he is so many miles away from me. In a country where he risks his life for my, your – our freedom. And to make it a little bit weird for you to read this, Eric and me never met in real life. We met and fell in love online. And this blog will contain a catagory “Missing my Soldier” filled with my love, longing, passion and lust for this amazing man. The man who conquered my heart in a heart beat and I’m proud to quote him: ‘You are holding my heart in your hands.” And I will never ever drop his heart. It’s my – call it – mission, task, assignment to make him the most happiest man in this world and to motivate him for every single day we are not together and so far away from each other. But even there are still so many days, weeks and months between our reunion, our hearts, minds and souls are connected to each other. Eric once wrote in a poem:

Sleepless nights go without end
So I look to you once again
We conversed just the other day
Soul softly spoken,
What did you say?
I know you heard me
Without sound,
I know your soul speaks
So good to feel your presence
My soul being my only sense
My sight of you unseen
My dreams of you so far between
Knowing a reunion one day to come
For now soul speaking as we are one
But I don’t want this to end
Let’s just talk forever
I have so many questions
And I know you have the answers
My concentrations broken
My soul is slipping away
I so sorry this has to end like this
Another time another day
My thoughts of you never end
We will converse soon again
Knowing we’ll meet one day to come
For now soul speaking as we are one

And all I can add to this for now and to describe our love via internet, letters and phone is:

The purity and trueness of our love through our internet relationship far away passes that of one based on physical contact.

So far Eric and me still have 221 days to go until we will be able to start or better continue our love in real life and turn it into physical contact. May you or may you not understand this. But even it’s a internet and distance relationship my feelings for Eric are already so strong, deep and real. That just a single thought of him let my heart beat faster and brings a smile to my face.

My love, my hero, my soldier

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